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I spent my day and night alone again. As usual. Nothing changed, really. My thoughts wandered to a land covered with flower petals. I walked through the flower path in my head.
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But those flower is a nonexistent in the first place, so am I. Everything is but an imagination. My dream is clearer and more alive than my own feet standing in my room — before the mirror.
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I saw a reflection of myself, with a book in my hand — not so sure what the title was . I saw a flower-shaped-bookmark hanging down from the book’s spine. Which sentence was I’m on?
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Ah, the train left, now all that’s left is me and this empty body. Probably, if you like Claude Monet or Salvador Dali, I won’t be this plain. Probably, if you like William Shakespeare and sonnets, I will be so full of words strung together like a bouquet of flowers. Probably I’ll be more alive than this.
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It is what it is, anyway. Everything’s happened for a reason. But us wasn’t really a good one.
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I oftentimes finding myself holding onto a pendant, something I’d call a memory, I should let go, I know. But I cling to it even more when the thoughts of leaving you strike. Why, of course, I have lost you anyway.
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Now all that’s left are these paints in my hand. I am no painter, I can’t draw. I am no poet, I can’t write poems. I am merely a human who owns billion of of words unsaid in their head. Probably, I am no human either. Nonsensical, isn’t it? I know, because I am.
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Down, down the rabbit hole….
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Will I find my home there? A place where I reside? Where I belong? My family?
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There, I will watch the flower singing in the golden afternoon. But I am no Alice. There, I will attend a tea part every day. But I am no Hatter. There, I will have a taste of cookies. But I am no Red Queen. I am no spades or hearts. I am no Blue Caterpillar or a Jabberwocky. But I will still say this when my time has come,
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“Fairfarren, My Wonderland,”
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and only then will I see myself buried six feet under this ground named Neverland. I am a sinner for loving, I have no place in such beautiful Wonderland.
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Down, down the rabbit hole….
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Will I meet you there and deliver all these unsaid words to you? To let you know that I should have held your hands under the sunlight back then?
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Down, down the rabbit hole….
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I bid thee the fairest adieu … mon amour.
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Down, down the rabbit hole….
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May we be reunited under this blue sky, in the next life, after these air left my lungs completely. Until then, I will wait…. For a year, a hundredth, a thousandth. I will even wait a lifetime for you, mon cheri.
